If only I had a dollar for every time I was asked how to spice things up. From the moment I started my career as a Sexologist, it has been the most common question and will most likely continue to be until the day I hang up my hat.
Many people struggle in the bedroom, but it’s not always because there is an issue necessarily to struggle with. We are not educated enough about sex and what we should expect from it – it’s often a matter of unrealistic expectations mixed with reality that plays in our head.
Many people look for the solution. Is it a position, a pill, a lube or a sex toy? Whilst all of this
can be a lot of fun (trust me on that one), it doesn’t always fix the entire problem. Instead of thinking 50 shades will cure the bedroom blues, we need to start with some of the simpler steps you can take to work on a healthy sexual relationship instead of trying to build a red room.
We are a sex-obsessed society, so of course the first place people want to start is in the bedroom. But often, those same people don’t stop to consider what the rest of their relationship is really like. Having issues in the bedroom is often not an isolated problem. If things are tense inside the bedroom, things can be tense outside of the bedroom too. If there are some relationship struggles going on in general, it can also have a flow on effect on your sex life.
Adulting is not always easy. There might be bills, pressure from family and work stress, making you feel like you are being pulled in too many directions. Add another person into the mix with their own stuff going on and suddenly being stuck in a bit of a rut would nearly seem the norm. This is the pickle we are not taught how to get out of, but yet so many are in.
But it doesn’t have to last forever and there are things you can do to help this.
Whilst I don’t have a magic solution for bills and work stress, working on your relationship can help increase overall satisfaction and also help with your attitudes about sex. So where to start?
1. Change one thing in your usual behaviour routine.
Our brains can start to get used to the way we live life (even the way we have sex) and go into cruise control. Try and change something that you usually do. Variety is the spice of life. That doesn’t have to mean sexual partners, but just changing things up a bit in your everyday life can really help.
2. Look at any cycles of resentment.
Do you get into arguments that feel as though they follow the same pattern but with different words? It might be time to look at what’s underneath that and whether one or both people are holding on to resentment about something. Who really wants to physically connect with their partner when they are angry or holding on to past hurt? It can be a hidden barrier to a healthy sex life.
3. Does your relationship feel like it's last on the list?
With a busy life, focusing on eachother can become nearly non-existent. And this is what can break the connection needed to also physically connect. Each day, try and give each other a little bit of your focus.
4. Increase affection.
You don’t have to go over the top with the PDA, but a kiss good morning and good night, a hand hold or even a cheeky pinch on the bum can help show someone that you are putting in the effort and thinking of them. And I always say, happy people are hornier people so why not try and make each other just a little bit happier each day.
5. Try and do things you used to do at the start of your relationship.
There was a reason why you fell in love and there was also a reason why you used to rip each
other’s clothes off (assuming you once did). Sex will change as a relationship continues, but if it was once there then you can work together to get it back (or something similar). You just might need to remind each other of what you are working to get.